a valley . . .

Today was dark and horrible. I am glad I can experience extremes--life without them would not be life at all. But there is nothing so lonely as misery. I can't talk to anyone anymore. Am I pulling away slowly? I don't even want to take care of myself. I am pulling away from me. Nothing drives me to my knees more than a day like this, but that doesn't take the pain. No one is at fault, no one is to blame; life takes its course and its toll and it hits each of us differently. No one should feel guilty or shamed for it. I do. It's scary to be miserable and I hope it doesn't last. I know I am tired. I am so confused. I want to cry--hard. I want to retreat. I'm not sure life has been all that especially difficult lately. Weeks build on weeks. Vacations have even wearied me. I don't know how to live. I feel like I am my car. My battery continues to die because I don't know how to keep it charged. Do I need a mechanic? I know You are the ultimate mechanic, Lord. I will never stop loving You. I know when people read this blog they will say, "She needs to pray to God. She needs to know He loves her and she must run to Him." But I do, God. I do run to You and I do know You love me. I even know what You are doing in my life. But I don't know what I long for and why I feel so weary all of the time. I don't know what I need. Could a mechanic tell me? I am so lonely. No one can fill me. All they can do is support me in my struggle. And, God, I want to support them. Isn't that what we do? Limp through this world, stumbling and falling, but supporting each other and clinging to our Leader? What's happening to my battery, God. Am I just being stupid? Why don't I know? Why not? I love You, Lord. The strangeness of my soul right now is frightening. But You are real. You are my focus while all around me changes and melts. I will love You forever.