Yearbook

I was looking through my first Simpson yearbook tonghight and was suddenly full of gratefullness. I've finally been there long enough to feel secure in who I am. I can remember being in awe that some people even talked to me. I can remember the day-to-day discomfoirt and awkward outcastish feelings I lived with. I couldn't handle that for an hour now! Sure I grew, but I am so glad to be through that (: I was everyone's friend and even more people's slave. (: I wanted to be accepted and joyful and never EVER let down my guard. It was not my home--I was simply allowed to stay here by these beings of a higher order we refered to in hushed tones and whispers as "upperclassmen." It's like I didn't deserve my own self-esteem--I had to earn it along with the right to call that school my home.

Spending the last few days with really old friends made me realize that that's how I'd lived my life. I'd never felt like I fit or that people were accepting me simply because. I was always trying to make them feel better about themselves. That's why my closest friends are in my family. They were the only one's who I allowed to love me simply because they loved me.

I suppose it was hanging out with Neen and Jen last weekend when I suddenly realized that now I have friends that are my friends because we are friends. (: We know each other's faults and weeknesses and we don't always like each other! I can't tell you how happy that makes me (: I love that I have been a creep around them and that there are so many reasons they have for not being my friend. (: I love that I know their faults and love them anyways.

And then when I look through a yearbook full of faces that I know, I'm suddenly not intimidated anymore! I suddenly feel that it is my school too and I can be me there. I don't have to sacrifice and suffer just for the sake of being accepted. And you know what? In this freedom is the freedom to really pour myself into others. It's not all about me making them feel good. Now it's about me doing God's best for them if He calls me to do so. It's about Him working in me whatever way He chooses. And it's especially about me letting Him bless me with the most precious family of friends ever (: