A Blog By Vieve . . .

why is it that the world sometimes seems so inverted? when you are simple, the world makes sense. when you pursue education, you realize that you know nothing and can't really tell anyone what you know except other people that know what you know anyway, so why tell them about it...so you remain a closed canister of vast thoughts and ruminations, but left to your own devices... relationships are often craved by those who don't have one, yet are often the reigning emotional demise for so many who finally get what they want at all costs. efforts organize only leave us more frustrated and disorganized because now we know JUST how disorganized we truly are. we like to learn, but rarely about anything but what we find in the lens of our passions. why do our pets resemble our most curiously paridoxical characteristics so profoundly? my dog is stubborn, gets into the trash and blames it on the other dogs, is sensitive, sweet, and emotionally distant and awkward. he must be a homeschooler. hahahaha. blogs make me feel superficially esoteric.

):

How evil are you?

Me? Stubborn? . . .

I flunked two Spanish tests, can't understand the teacher, am struggling through homework, frustrating my tutor, and considering it as a minor. Crazy? Maybe. When I was in elementary school, I wanted to be an engineer just because I was awful at math. What is it about me that makes me so obstinately try what I'm told I cannot do? I suppose that I love laughing in the face of impossibility and mocking overwhelming odds. In my mind "you can't" is translated "you should." This can be dangerous. It can lead to eating live goldfish, climbing 11,000 foot mountains when I'm out of shape, or dirt-biking on level 4 mountain tracks (I think still have the bruises). I didn't think I could and that's why I knew I should. But stubbornness has its qualities. Right now my ambitions are through the roof, in my eyes. I honestly don't believe I have the ability to accomplish any of them. But that's why I have to try. (: God, let me be obstinate in You and for You only.

*sigh* . . .

I'm sad and there's no one to tell. I'm failing tests and failing people right and left. I'm not failing God. But I sure am struggling against what He wants for me right now. In fact, sometimes I feel like failure is part of His plan for me right now. Either that or I'm just an idiot.

O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

So Far . . .

I remember what journals are for now. God has brought me so far. It puts a big 'ol smile on my face to read old journals and see how God has never, ever left His daughter alone once. He's so evident there. And now I know where I am and, more importantly, a little more about who I am.

But there is still so far. However, when I think of the journey He's taken me on, the journey to come is gives a thrill to the heart like nothing else can. Lead on, O King Eternal!

My Random Matutinal Ramblings . . .

I can't believe I climbed 11,000 feet!!! All for Grace *shakes head.* I wuv you, grace (:

This is my fifth post in half an hour!

Am I the only one that gets the feeling that if I don't travel soon I'll explode into a million pieces and die!? God, please expand my world!

I miss Grace--she was restful

Ug . . .

I think I'm going to have to take chris m. out. There have been a couple people that have commented on my attitude toward him. I had no idea it was so obvious. The paper is really affecting me. I didn't realize how much it changed me last semester. It's becoming very clear now.

It's also clearer to me why I get depressed. God gave me the answer last semester, but now it is sinking in. Still, I don't want to fall into it again. As I wait for God to bring me through, I think there are practical steps He has given me to relieve some pressure. I hope I can take them.

Frustration: A poem spoken to a beat . . .

I'm so not the person I want to be . . . *bangs head on table several times.*
I can't even write a stinkin' poem about it . . . *more rythmic banging*
Why not yet, Lord? WHY!? *bang, bang*
I will work harder . . . I must! *bang, bang, bang*
~ow~
Help me know who I am, God, and where you want me to be now. There's so much I feel I should be doing. I want a disciplined, quiet soul and a thoughtful, active mind. Instead my soul is tumultuous and confused and my mind scattered and loud. But I am who I am right now and I know that's who You want me to be. Growing is hard and I feel I've been in the awkward stage of my spiritual growth for too long. Help me to discipline my mind and my life, God, but help me to remember that you love me in my awkward stage and can use me even now.

DEATH . . .

Isn't it interesting how our lives are spent dying? I think about death more than many of my friends do. I'm always the one grumbling at the end of a movie, "He shoulda died. It would have been a much better movie if they'd killed him." Needless to say, my roommates don't like watching movies with me. But I love the concept and it just tends to provoke deep thought. I'm not talking physical death . . . not usually. But dying is intertwined with life in so intricate a way that to remove the one would remove (or kill) the other. Maybe they are the same thing (: Now I'm rambling from a half-fried brain, but death really is one of my deepest fascinations.

Death and hate are closely intertwined but even closer, it seems, is death and love. My favorite death literature right now would probably be "Till We Have Faces." I saw death all through that book. Then, of course, "Les Miserables." I've only seen the musical, but it has to be the best death piece ever!!! The musical has changed my entire view of life and love. I have never been and will never be the same since seeing it.

So anyway, I won’t go into my views of death entirely. All I can say is that death is a lifelong process that can kill us before we cease to exist physically. We’ve all seen Zombies. Some of us die from selfish hatred and become shells of people with nothing left in us but what we can take from others (like a virus feeding off life-giving cells). But perfect love also kills—the force of such a power consumes our finite beings. We’re dying, my friends. Die letting God perfect your love. Then let Him fill you with a true life: one so strong it can never die.

Sunny Days and Yellow Houses . . .

No one can say this beautiful day didn’t mess with them somehow. *Laughs* it’s so amazing how little control we really have over our lives. Take a sunny day, add a balmy breeze and some blossoms quivering in the wind with the backdrop of a snowy mountain that seems to float in the distant sky, and everything in you can goes on vacation to a land of surreal peace. Take that same day and add some inward turmoil and everything inside turns to agitated hatred for the mocking happiness of careless life surrounding your bitter heart. Truth be told, life everywhere is kicking us around and messing with our minds. Thank You, Father, for the Goal and the Word that reminds us everday to keep our feet on the road and our hearts looking strait ahead to a God that has a purpose for us no matter what kind of day it is.

I like this day. I ate a cookie in celebration.

Holly Lynch wants me to live with her this summer in the yellow house with some other girls. If my other plans don’t go through (yes, I’m too scared to even admit them to my blog), I’ll try for the Searchlight (*gulp*) and maybe live with them. Wow! That would be weird and fun.

PS. It's 1:26 am and I suddenly feel like having a big, fresh, sweet corn on the cob. *sigh* Maybe in heaven we'll get corn on the cob whenever we want!