Admitting Love . . .

There comes a time when you're struck with the overwhelming realization of your love for a man, and then all you can do is hope and pray it's not too late to tell him. So, here goes . . .

I LOVE YOU COLIN FIRTH!!!!

Fortune Cookie . . .

My fortune cookie said:

You will always get what you want
through your charm and personality

I never could stand people like that. (:

What's Up with Me? . . .

My brother tried to call me twice today and I missed him. He's leaving to go overseas too. Both brothers will be there. I guess that's always at the back of my mind. So are a lot of things. This summer is a big one. I have no time to do a resume but I have to start getting it out. Next fall, will I be with the paper? Will I lead a team with Marci? Will I mentor? Next spring, dare I apply for the editorship? Maybe I should study abroad. Will I ever travel anywhere or have original experiences? The summer after that I may, if I do the missions trip with Marci. Will that turn out ok? Is it my call? If I do that and postpone the editorship will there be a place for me on the paper senior year? Will I get a job out of college? Will I want to live on my own?

Then there are a lot of here and now questions. Will I pass these tests or even these classes? Am I doing anything for the paper? Will I have any friends next year? Do I have any friends this year? What will I do when Jo from home comes here and invades the life I hold dear to me? How are my mom and dad doing without my brothers and me?

And then there is lack of sleep, bad diet, and anemic social life. Do I know how to have fun? Do I know how to relax? Will I die young or go completely insane as a consequence? (It’ll be my own fault if I do, so no flowers at the funeral!)

So these things are all floating around in my brain. Because all of this is agitating my emotional stability already, smaller things are bigger and bigger and rather large things pummel me. It doesn’t take much to tip the scales lately.

On a lighter note, I am coming to terms with who I am. It’s ok to not have had the adventures some have had. It’s ok to be a quieter, more practical liver. I don’t seek adventure and go to exotic places or meet amazing people, but that doesn’t make me less of a person. I may feel rather mediocre, but that’s what makes me Mary Scott. I don’t want to long to be something I’m not. If I never travel, but instead work every summer, that is my way of having a new experience. If I enjoy a good study-group or Bible study more than a bon fire or bowling party, that too is part of me. I’m rather excited to discover myself and who I will become. I like the idea of the relaxed, settled, practical me more than the discontent, worried one who really doesn’t want the things she thinks she should have. Thank You for making me me, God.

a valley . . .

Today was dark and horrible. I am glad I can experience extremes--life without them would not be life at all. But there is nothing so lonely as misery. I can't talk to anyone anymore. Am I pulling away slowly? I don't even want to take care of myself. I am pulling away from me. Nothing drives me to my knees more than a day like this, but that doesn't take the pain. No one is at fault, no one is to blame; life takes its course and its toll and it hits each of us differently. No one should feel guilty or shamed for it. I do. It's scary to be miserable and I hope it doesn't last. I know I am tired. I am so confused. I want to cry--hard. I want to retreat. I'm not sure life has been all that especially difficult lately. Weeks build on weeks. Vacations have even wearied me. I don't know how to live. I feel like I am my car. My battery continues to die because I don't know how to keep it charged. Do I need a mechanic? I know You are the ultimate mechanic, Lord. I will never stop loving You. I know when people read this blog they will say, "She needs to pray to God. She needs to know He loves her and she must run to Him." But I do, God. I do run to You and I do know You love me. I even know what You are doing in my life. But I don't know what I long for and why I feel so weary all of the time. I don't know what I need. Could a mechanic tell me? I am so lonely. No one can fill me. All they can do is support me in my struggle. And, God, I want to support them. Isn't that what we do? Limp through this world, stumbling and falling, but supporting each other and clinging to our Leader? What's happening to my battery, God. Am I just being stupid? Why don't I know? Why not? I love You, Lord. The strangeness of my soul right now is frightening. But You are real. You are my focus while all around me changes and melts. I will love You forever.

There are so many deaths in life. The final one will be a piece of cake.

pray for me . . . I believe lies