I have three close female friends I would call my best friends. I have a posse of youth who trust me and tell me things. I have a future I'm excited about, an apartment I love, I keep my car and house clean, I cook, I pay off all my debts on time and never let the bills pile up, I pursue my interests. Things are, in general, pretty good.

So I sought God, and He told me two things. #1, I am an incredibly ungrateful person. Now I try to filter all of my prayers and thoughts through the lens of gratefulness.

#2, I need to be growing. I need God's discipline in my life. I prayed hard and long for that.

So God sent His discipline :D I was confronted with stuff I had decided to put behind me but not deal with. Boom, boom, boom, three past issues all at once. Old college friends, too, with things I had neglected to see or discuss. A week-long study in the book of Isaiah, reminding me that God's love is the most painful thing a human can endure. Then four hours catching up with a friend I should never have lost touch with--and some realizations I don't know how to process right now. Then two days with the kids and pastors at camp.

Then the heart shattering realization that the one person that actually needed someone was the one person I had alienated in youth group. The one time God actually wanted to give me something too hard for me to handle, something worth undertaking, I had been ignoring it.

But I know now. And even though I feel like there is no way I will have the ability to do anything, I know He sent this because He'll enable me to do what needs to be done. God help me not make it worse.

A million things I'm holding in my mind. My roommate feels the same way. How many things can we hold without popping? When can we cry "uncle"? Life is good, but I look forward to a little relief... soon.

Something I wrote on my Orual blog after my 27th birthday.

Somehow, turning 27 wasn't as detestable as I thought it might be. In fact, I feel like I've gained a new burst of confidence, as if someone turned on turbo-confidence the morning of July 16th. Given my usual lack of confidence, it doesn't look like much, but it seems like quite a lot.

There's a lot I don't care much about anymore--acceptance, a "normal" life, my future. It all still concerns me, but more than ever before--so much more than ever before--I want what I've always known I needed. I want a hard life, something I know I can't do, but I can try, I want to do hard things! I want to be pushed to my absolute limit and them beyond. The worst of it is that I know I can do it. I have so much in me that I've never begun to explore. And with the power of God, how can my life really look? Not normal, that's for sure.

So much in the Bible about giving up everything and living in complete abandon. So much that I want. So much still holding me back.